J's in a golf tournament today. One that he left for long before the kids woke up and won't return from until long after they're in bed and I'm collapsed in a Ben & Jerry's induced coma on the bed watching Bravo through my eyelids. But anyway, happy father's day, J, you're welcome for your one day vaca.
So faced with the prospect of 13 hours of single parenthood, I planned us a little Wausau road trip. Target, Jimmy John's, and a (legal) option to strap my children into confinement for two hours of the day? Winner.
It should've been an indication of things to come when ten minutes in, I couldn't get the DVD player in the mommymobile to function properly. You know how DVDs play 23 previews then come to a main screen where you need to hit play or enter or something? PLAY OR ENTER OR SOMETHING DIDN'T WORK. Not by using the touch screen up front, not by using the remote pointed at the screen in back, not by using prayer or voodoo. I pulled over twice before we even hit the main highway trying to make their shows of choice work, to no avail. That went over really well. "But I waaaaaant Buzz Lighyear NOWWWWW!" So then I racked my brain for a DVD that didn't have a blasted menu, and of course the only one I could come up with was ..... yeah, D-D-D-D-D-Dora. Dora makes me shudder with pangs of nausea after the 1st trimester from hell sponsored by Dora. But whatever. They were quiet, I brushed up on my espanol, we made it to Target in record time.
Hot pretzel time. My kids would sell their souls for a hot pretzel from the Target concession place, I tell you. Vivi dropped hers before she'd gotten one good bite out of it. Back for another. Then, it turned out Target was out of everything I'd come for. I wanted a black robe for the hospital, and had seen a particularly cute one on our last Target jaunt that I didn't buy. Only available in XXL. Out of black sports bras in my size. Out of baby girl baby books. Out of a lovey I'd seen online and planned to buy 12 of for the baby. Out of newborn size AND size 1 diapers on the clearance wall'o'diapers I'd heard some buzz about. Have no fear, dear friends, I still managed to blow a Benjamin before we left. Sometimes I'm happy we have no Target? Because, bankruptcy?
Then Jimmy John's. Oh. My. Gah. The first sign of trouble was that the parking lot was PACKED and the drive through closed. Then I noticed a suspiciously long line of people standing in front of JJ's. And all down the block. Oh hey fun surprise, it's $1 JJ's Day! And you know who turns up for $1 JJ's Day? WEIRDOS from WEIRDVILLE. They were without shoes and without manners and without morals, even. And it was one per person, you see. So about 24 people had infants in carriers that they brought to count as a "person". (Maybe you should've specified the $1 sub benefactor had to have, oh idk, TEETH, JJ's?) I almost cried, not even kidding. My kids were hungry, I was hungry, we'd come all this way! I asked the JJ's guy outside managing the line if they were delivering and he said yes, but then crushed all my hopes and dreams when he said they could NOT deliver to my car out in the parking lot, not even for a $5 tip. Lame. Conclusion: we totally did wait in the line, much as it pained me. And the sub of my choosing (my beloved Beach Club), hilariously, was exempt from the $1 JJ's Day special, so I paid full price for the honor of eating JJ's on #1 JJ's Day.
So lunch. Vivi pooped her diaper just as I unwrapped my prized JJ's. And loudly announced to the entire restaurant that she'd done so. Not fab, V, not fab at ALL. We returned to our table and Anderson spilled his milk. Then had a fit because Vivi ate one teeny tiny shred of his cheese. Then they started in with the "poopy butt" game. One says "poopy butt" and the other one says "poopy butt" even louder and so on. Loads of fun for everyone in earshot. (Not.) Usually I'd pack up and leave immediately, but I'd just waited 20 minutes in line for JJ's, people. I WAS GOING TO EAT. I told them if they kept it up, they didn't get the cookies I had for them in the car (aka, an emergency stash of animal crackers, which are totally cookies if you've ever put a minute's thought into it). The "poopy butts" kept right on going, I ate at record speed, and we left.
Then it stormed all the way home, but the FIBs pulling boats up north took no notice and kept right on blowing past us at 85mph and cutting right back in front of me so I couldn't see three feet in front of my bumper. At least I had those forfeited cookies to eat to calm my nerves.
It should go without saying that I'm being a bit dramatic about the day's goings-on, because what fun is a blog if not to be all melodramatic about nothing from time to time? There were happy moments. Heart warming ones, even. Like how much fun the Fake Twins had choosing a baby toy for their baby sister. Or when out of nowhere, Bug looked at me with admiration and said I looked "so so so so so pretty" today. Or best of all, on the way out of Wausau, Anderson goes "mommy, I love you so much." Awww. And Vivi thought for a second, then followed up with "mommy, I love Target sooooo much!" Precious, precious girl.
6 hours ago