Friday, June 7, 2013

the library: never ever again

I'm not here to entertain.  I'm not here with a photo, not here to play family historian.  I'm here to issue a formal apology to the fine patrons of the Durango library on the morning of Friday, June 7th, 2013 who witnessed The FakeTwin Meltdown of Epic Proportions.  I'd especially like to apologize to the sweet looking pregnant mother of two young girls who looked like she was probably going to go home and cry, or just go park her minivan at the fire station and wait for labor (Safe Haven Law, you know?)

None of you needed to see that.  Hell, I grew those two in my own womb and I didn't even need to see that.  Nor did I need to put on makeup or clean clothes this morning, just to sweat it all to hell carrying one screaming FakeTwin while dragging the other screaming FakeTwin behind while nudging the stroller carrying the baby forward, inch by inch, with my elbow and hip, alternating.  While also looking nobody in the eye because ALL THE EYES were staring at us.  All of them.

I should've KNOWN!  I'm not NEW at this!  Kids who wake up at 6am when they have no business being up before 7am are just NOT going to be good at the library!  No matter how many times they promise you they will be!  But I was just kind of bored at home this morning.  And they were, too.  Somersaulting around the living room missing the pointy corners of the coffee table by millimeters.  Shrieking at the dog if he even looked at them.  And nobody wanted to go outside (it's hotttttttt!) (I hate summer) (I lied yesterday).  And I didn't want to go anyplace requiring the spending of money because I'm hoarding all my fun-moneys for my upcoming vacation.  The one I'm going on sans kids, the one that kept me from diving headfirst into the raging river this morning.  Anyway.  So, library?  They promised they'd be good, you guys.

Except on the way there, the FakeTwins fought over who got to return the library books in the space-age library book returner machine at the library.  And then they bickered about who ate more Cheerios for breakfast.  And then they fought over whether the song on the radio needed to be turned UP or turned DOWN so I just shut the damn thing off entirely and we drove to the melodic sound of my grinding teeth.

We arrived, and there were eight golden minutes of goodness where I thought we were all going to make it, after all.  The baby crawled around being charming and smiley, the FakeTwins played a Dora game on the computer, and I started breathing like I wasn't about to have a heart attack.  But then we went into the story room.  And it wasn't the normal, super-engaging story time girl, it was someone else.  Who did okay, but my kids?  They just really like that super-engaging story time girl.  So they weren't all that engaged.  So they started whispering to each other in some weird little language like FakeTwins do.  And then they started rolling around on the floor.  So I got up, I issued a warning, and they sat nicely and listened.  For two point three seconds.  Then they were .... just not sitting nicely and not listening.  Second warning, issued.  Before I even got back to my chair (all the moms sit on chairs, it's like a rule or something?) they were giggling and actually got SHUSHED by some tiny kid sitting beside them.  SHUSHED!  By!  A!  Kid!  Enough.  I handed (uh, thrust?) the baby to my friend, and moved toward the FakeTwins.  Whose eyes got big as saucers because they KNEW they'd pushed it too far.  So, obviously, they started screaming before I even made contact.  I took each one by a hand and legit had to DRAG them, kicking and screaming, out of the room.  Then set them against the wall (still screaming, OBVI) and go back in there for my stroller and my baby.  I just went ahead and left my dignity there on the chair.  Then?  I had to get the hell out of the library. I already told you how well that worked out.  MG just sat in her stroller, grinning and fascinated, while the other two made a scene like one I just have not seen from those two.  Like ever.

Oh, but it wasn't even over when we got out of the library and across the parking lot to the vehicle!  While I scrummaged frantically around my massive bag for my stupid ^*&^%$#@ car keys, a nice child from A's class recognized him and that child's mom brought that child over to say hi.  (Because she thought they looked SO SOCIAL RIGHT THEN?!?)  And instead of saying hi, Anderson wailed.  And Vivian?  Oh, yall.  Vivian was beside herself, so she screamed "WE DON'T LIKE YOUUUUUUUUU!"  It's just inexcusable.  I'm not even going to try.  Except for to say she's three and was tired and was absolutely distraught about leaving story time before the art project.  But still.  No.  At that point, I was just wishing for a sinkhole.  Or at least, MY FREAKING CAR KEYS.

We're never leaving the house again.  We'll just sit here with the shutters shut watching Disney Junior until they're in middle school.

It's 5pm in the Eastern time zone in 12 minutes.  Just saying.

15 comments:

Verna said...

Oh no!! Poor mama!! Hope they gave you a decent nap to make it up to you at least.

Anne said...

I don't even go to story time anymore. My kids are wrestlers, that's frowned upon at the library. And while I know this was traumatic and horrific when it happened (not that I know from experience, oh NO, not my kids), the retelling here was hilarious.

Sometimes it's best to go with Greenwich Mean Time, btw.

Jamie Jo said...

What can I bring you today while you're under house arrest? I have the day off.

Laura said...

While I truly feel for you having to endure these episodes, Thank You for sharing them. I honestly feel like I'm consistently witnessing most everyone else's kids behave acceptably while I go through things like this. Reading your blog makes me feel so much better and validated, like it's not just me or my child. And really, my pregnant self envies your freedom to drink. You deserve it!

Lisa said...

I swear to you, the library brings it out of them! They totally sense the "be quiet old people looks" and it just propels them into the most dramatic episodes their little bodies can muster. One of my shining moments of motherhood was hauling my two year old over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, SCREAMING, "let go of me you big meanie!" while carrying my diaper bag and infant car seat. No graceful way to do that, other than to just RUN and hit the liquor store on the way home.

Mrs.V said...

Thanks for your blog! I think I've only commented once but I love it! You always make me laugh because I can totally relate to many of your stories!!! I've definitely left the library with 2 screaming kids, just hoping to drag them both to the car!

Katie said...

I've never commented before but wanted to say that they closest I've come to crying in public bc of my kids was at the library. They got YELLED at by a staff memeber at the library.

dm said...

eep. Can I keep this baby in me so I don't have fake twins 2.0? *scared*

Tricia said...

So, so sorry. This is my first time commenting, but I've loved your blog for awhile now. We live in Golden, where it is also friggin hot right now.

If you have a moment (hah!), I wonder if you could offer some advice. We're driving to Telluride next week for the bluegrass festival (me, hubs, 2 kids under 3, over six hours in the car...yup). Haven't been out that way -- have you guys ventured up to Telluride yet? If so, anything in particular you'd recommend for the small people?

Thanks so much. Love your blog.

Kate said...

I love this post (I can laugh at it because it didn't happen to me but I feel your pain)- I'm new to the 3 kid thing (youngest is almost a month) but wow it's a challenge! The other day I decided to venture to a local play group and it was a big mistake- I had to basically chase my kid who was running out of the room while nursing a baby and deciding what to do with the other one who was still playing.

I can't remember how I found your blog but I'm glad you kept posting because I love reading your posts :)

MamaSmalls said...

You rock at chronicling my life :)

AmandaD said...

Oh. My. Thank you for that chuckle. And like someone else said, they can laugh because it has yet to happen to them. Same here. Keep writing these awesome blog updates. And most importantly have fun on your trip!

Kristi said...

I am so very sure that this will happen to me but since it hasn't yet, I cracked up. Thank you for the laugh and I'm sorry! I've only commented a few times but I love your blog! Glad that you decided to keep it up.

Mary said...

This exact situation (and I mean exactly the same situation...with Cayden throwing the epic fit and Harper as the quiet baby) why we don't get to go to the bookstore any more. You're not alone!

wonderfullyordinarylifeofmrshandherfamily said...

That was too funny! Although I know it wasn't funny at the time. Isn't public humiliation the best?!?!?