I'm not here to entertain. I'm not here with a photo, not here to play family historian. I'm here to issue a formal apology to the fine patrons of the Durango library on the morning of Friday, June 7th, 2013 who witnessed The FakeTwin Meltdown of Epic Proportions. I'd especially like to apologize to the sweet looking pregnant mother of two young girls who looked like she was probably going to go home and cry, or just go park her minivan at the fire station and wait for labor (Safe Haven Law, you know?)
None of you needed to see that. Hell, I grew those two in my own womb and I didn't even need to see that. Nor did I need to put on makeup or clean clothes this morning, just to sweat it all to hell carrying one screaming FakeTwin while dragging the other screaming FakeTwin behind while nudging the stroller carrying the baby forward, inch by inch, with my elbow and hip, alternating. While also looking nobody in the eye because ALL THE EYES were staring at us. All of them.
I should've KNOWN! I'm not NEW at this! Kids who wake up at 6am when they have no business being up before 7am are just NOT going to be good at the library! No matter how many times they promise you they will be! But I was just kind of bored at home this morning. And they were, too. Somersaulting around the living room missing the pointy corners of the coffee table by millimeters. Shrieking at the dog if he even looked at them. And nobody wanted to go outside (it's hotttttttt!) (I hate summer) (I lied yesterday). And I didn't want to go anyplace requiring the spending of money because I'm hoarding all my fun-moneys for my upcoming vacation. The one I'm going on sans kids, the one that kept me from diving headfirst into the raging river this morning. Anyway. So, library? They promised they'd be good, you guys.
Except on the way there, the FakeTwins fought over who got to return the library books in the space-age library book returner machine at the library. And then they bickered about who ate more Cheerios for breakfast. And then they fought over whether the song on the radio needed to be turned UP or turned DOWN so I just shut the damn thing off entirely and we drove to the melodic sound of my grinding teeth.
We arrived, and there were eight golden minutes of goodness where I thought we were all going to make it, after all. The baby crawled around being charming and smiley, the FakeTwins played a Dora game on the computer, and I started breathing like I wasn't about to have a heart attack. But then we went into the story room. And it wasn't the normal, super-engaging story time girl, it was someone else. Who did okay, but my kids? They just really like that super-engaging story time girl. So they weren't all that engaged. So they started whispering to each other in some weird little language like FakeTwins do. And then they started rolling around on the floor. So I got up, I issued a warning, and they sat nicely and listened. For two point three seconds. Then they were .... just not sitting nicely and not listening. Second warning, issued. Before I even got back to my chair (all the moms sit on chairs, it's like a rule or something?) they were giggling and actually got SHUSHED by some tiny kid sitting beside them. SHUSHED! By! A! Kid! Enough. I handed (uh, thrust?) the baby to my friend, and moved toward the FakeTwins. Whose eyes got big as saucers because they KNEW they'd pushed it too far. So, obviously, they started screaming before I even made contact. I took each one by a hand and legit had to DRAG them, kicking and screaming, out of the room. Then set them against the wall (still screaming, OBVI) and go back in there for my stroller and my baby. I just went ahead and left my dignity there on the chair. Then? I had to get the hell out of the library. I already told you how well that worked out. MG just sat in her stroller, grinning and fascinated, while the other two made a scene like one I just have not seen from those two. Like ever.
Oh, but it wasn't even over when we got out of the library and across the parking lot to the vehicle! While I scrummaged frantically around my massive bag for my stupid ^*&^%$#@ car keys, a nice child from A's class recognized him and that child's mom brought that child over to say hi. (Because she thought they looked SO SOCIAL RIGHT THEN?!?) And instead of saying hi, Anderson wailed. And Vivian? Oh, yall. Vivian was beside herself, so she screamed "WE DON'T LIKE YOUUUUUUUUU!" It's just inexcusable. I'm not even going to try. Except for to say she's three and was tired and was absolutely distraught about leaving story time before the art project. But still. No. At that point, I was just wishing for a sinkhole. Or at least, MY FREAKING CAR KEYS.
We're never leaving the house again. We'll just sit here with the shutters shut watching Disney Junior until they're in middle school.
It's 5pm in the Eastern time zone in 12 minutes. Just saying.
3 days ago