Friday, August 9, 2013

tired

Oh, yall, I am so tired.  Tired in general, because it's Friday and that marks day five of the work week and the work week, over here in SAHMville, means I've done a whole lot of Cheerio sweeping and butt wiping and FakeTwin brawl breaking upping ..... so I'm tired.  As are you, my SAHM friends who've done the same, and you, my working mom friends who've been go-go-going all week long (in real, non-leggings pants!), and you, my ..... other kinds of friends.  We're all tired.

But more specifically, today, after seeing the topic come up for the eighty billionth time this week on my Facebook feed, I'm tired one thing in particular.  Tired of being told I'm a bully, a child-damager, a BAD MOM for hurrying my kids along.  I don't always hurry them, case in point being this exact lazy Friday morning when the FakeTwins are contentedly lazing around with bed head and unbrushed teeth and a box of cereal passed between them while we build a Little People town.  We've got nowhere to be and nothing to do and they can dawdle the whole darn day away, if they'd like.  We started off like this and haven't moved far from it:

But sometimes?  On school days and errand days and the like?  We hurry up.  We're running late for school (again),  we've been in the cereal aisle at the grocery store for so long the cereal might expire before we just choose our freaking cereal already, we're all taking twelve minutes to get our underpants on when really, NOBODY NEEDS TWELVE MINUTES TO GET THEIR UNDERPANTS ON!  Sometimes?  Kids need to be hurried!  That's okay!  I am not a bully for teaching my kids that tardiness is disrespectful.  I am not damaging them by asking them to put their shoes on in a timely manner the first time I ask.  I am not some big bad mom for politely requesting, after ten minutes of hemming and hawing upstairs, that Vivi just choose a princess dress and get down here, already.  I'm not missing out on ALL THE THINGS because sometimes I worry about development or push them a bit harder when I (supposedly) should be just letting them do as they do in their very own special snowflake time.  And I'm tired of being told I am doing it wrong.  I'm tired of this, and I'm tired of this whole "let's all raise little narcissistic assholes" movement.  Tired of being made to feel that looking at my iPhone in the backyard is some grievous error in parenting.  Because it's not some terrible thing to take a minute here and there for myself.  It's okay for my kids to know they aren't the WHOLE WIDE WORLD.  Yes, they're my world, or at least a big huge portion of it (them, and the husband, and the cats, and the God, and the wine) (not necessarily in that order).  But the whole world isn't going to watch and applaud every time they go down the slide.  Sorry, nope.  They should enjoy doing it for the simple enjoyment of DOING it!  The whole world isn't going to wait with an indulgent smile while they putz down the aisles of the hardware store with the wobbly wheeled kid sized carts and hold up the rest of the customers who have places to be.  Keep moving, kid!  The whole world is going to expect that they give as much as they take, they show up on time, they can't always do as they please when they please.  Isn't that an important part of my parenting job, really?  To ready them for the real world, that place of deadlines and expectations and necessary selflessness?  The other part of my job, the part where I make our home a place of fun and safety, where I coddle them and snuggle them and cheer when they master the monkey bars and read them every story on the bookshelf doing the story character voices JUST as they like?  Where I refill the bathtub with warm water when the first batch has gone cool, so they can play more, despite how tired I am and how much I'd like to be downstairs doing the dishes so I can get into bed early and watch Bravo?  Where I let them stay up just a little past bedtime because they smell so sweet all freshly washed and pajama clad, snuggled up beside me watching their favorite bedtime show?  I love those parts!  I really do!  But I'd be amiss, I think, to make those the ONLY parts.  To slow down always, worry never, throw my iPhone into the trash.

There's a happy medium, we all know that.  But this week, when one particular "OMG WARNING YOU'RE RUINING THEM" article has popped up time and time again when I do steal that hard-earned minute to go online ..... it feels like we're getting unbalanced.  And I'm not so naive that I think posting this little rant on this little no-name blog of mine will make any difference.  But it had to be said, if only for my own peace of mind, that there's nothing bad about balancing the dallying with the hurrying.  I like to think my kids will thank me one day, when they HAVEN'T just lost their job because their boss has had it with them showing up ten minutes late because, you know, there were FLOWERS TO SMELL.  When they don't have to then move into my basement because they NOW HAVE NO JOB and they're depressed because they've got nothing to do but sit down there stewing in their resentment that I didn't teach them to, you know, HURRY UP AND GET TO WORK ON TIME.  Or someshit.

You're welcome, kids.

32 comments:

The Writer Chic said...

Hey guess what? I read that post on my iPhone sitting in my backyard. True story. And amen, sister.

Carla said...

I would love to share this on FB! I read the same article this week about not telling your kid to hurry up and it drove me bonkers! That's ridiculous. I love what you wrote!

Rachel said...

Love this!

Christy said...

I love this! Excellent post.

andrea said...

Gah, so true. I like the sentiment behind the blog you are talking about but the reality is that, at least in my world, we have to hurry our kids along sometimes. Because they are slow. And they like to find reasons to be slow. To pick up one more toy, to pee, to not find their shoes, to just be slow. Grrr.

Verna said...

I love this! I agree 100%!

Courtney said...

Just, yes. And amen.

mandie lane said...

Awww, thanks, friends! I feel so much better just getting that off my chest. Who needs therapy when you've got a blog, amiright?

@Carla: please do! Not because I'm some wannabe famous mommy blogger (we've covered that here, haha!) but because I think a lot of moms need to know they're not "bullies". That particular word in the original article really struck a nerve......

dm said...

I read this sitting on my couch while my kid plays in his crib. And I only have ONE kid. 3? nope.

AlyssaJoy said...

Love it!! Fantastic post!!

Teresa said...

It's nice reading blogs like yours to know that- with all of the great parenting advice out there, everyone's reality is different. Just because I'm armed with more information bc of the internet, doesn't mean it's all applicable.

And in a way, chastising parents for anything that isn't immediately harmful, in bullying in and of itself.

Molly said...

I'm a long-time reader who has never commented, but I straight-up love this and had to say so. As a SHAM of 3 children (ages 5, 3 & 3), nothing would EVER get done if I didn't urge them along every once in a while. I love my children and enjoy savoring time with them when we have those opportunities, but I'm not going to indulge their every whim (and the rest of the world certainly isn't going to either.) Thanks for posting this!

AmandaD said...

Yes yes yes! Thank you, Mandie for this post. It is awesome and so true. Parenting is all about balance, right? Some days are more hurry-up and some are more slow-down.

ana said...

Our parents got it right, and so will we.

Link to article, please?

Audrita said...

Exactly!! Love this!

mandie lane said...

@Ana: it's titled 'the day I stopped saying hurry up' or something like that.

ana said...

Thanks. I read it... then yelled at the hubs to HURRY UP and get me another glass of wine ;)

Melissa said...

so so SO true! I'm too tired to come up with something more eloquent...

Julie said...

Amen! You so perfectly wrote what I was thinking when I read that article.

Chels said...

The article in question, for me was a great reminder and eye opener. I think why it resonated with me is that, unlike the author of this article, I am not a sahm. Many of the week days I have with my children consist of just an hour or two. I am also a type a list checker that sometimes feels like if it can't be crossed off my list, it isn't worth my time. I do all these things, work, run a business, make sure the house is always clean, fridge is full but the article helped me realize that I have to take more time and step back an realize what I'm doing it all for and what it all really means. Need to find balance just as this article mentioned.For The author here and many people commenting their job, their business is their family and I'm sure for them finding their balance isn't the same as mine. They need to find the time to in a guilt free way unplug a while while I need to make a concerted effort to engage more. So I didn't feel shamed by the original article, I was reminded to see things differently. I feel like I could have written that article and I agree some parents can be bullies and are too focused on other things and others, especially stay at home have a hard time cutting the cord or talking about anything other than their children and some people from both of these worlds have it figured out. But I don't think the point was to shame anyone, it shouldn't make you feel bad. Just find your balance...

The Mahlke Chronicles said...

So true! Thanks for posting this. I sometimes feel like I need to keep my phone hidden in public, lest I check it while my kids are playing and risk judgement that some mom had the nerve to ignore her kids while they were chasing each other around the park. And I sometimes feel like all I do is hurry my kids along because, let's face it, they're slow and we've got things to do.

The Mahlke Chronicles said...

Oh and I also read something once that you're not supposed to praise your kid too much either. As in: don't say good job when they paint you a pretty picture because it just might lead to them EXPECTING praise. Oh no!! What would the world come to if kids grew up thinking they might perhaps be praised for things?!!! How awful!!

Kim said...

Just wanted to say that your blog is a favorite of mine because your family seems so normal, happy and real. You don't try to paint some overly sunny and perfect picture, and you are always witty and relatable.

As a mom to two boys, I know how challenging it can be to balance spending quality time with your kids with finding moments for yourself. And I agree 100%, I'm tired of the "narcissistic asshole" movement too, as well as the endless parenting wars.

Keep up the great work, you're doing an amazing job!

Nicole said...

Love it! Like you said, it's all about finding a balance. Sometimes kids need a kick in the rear (figuratively speaking, people) to get going or we'd all be in our pajamas eating cheerios one by one until noon each day. That said, I understand the sentiment behind the original author's post. There is a time to "hurry up" and a time to "smell the roses"... figuring out when these times are is part of being a parent!

Mrs. H said...

Amen, sister!

Whit G said...

This is great thanks!!

Hannah said...

This has nothing to do with this post (though I totally agree) but I thought you might like to read this post my aunt wrote about the bears in northern Wisconsin. the bears that wander through your yard in the middle of the day. ya, like the one you saw in Colorado but now 30 min away from your old house. enjoy!
http://pattymackz.com/wordpress/blog/when-a-bear-comes-to-your-front-door/

Kate said...

Amen!

Thank you for this. :)

Kari Bailey said...

First time commenter here...um, yes! Thank you for this. I was as unnerved as you were seeing my newsfeed clogged with the same article over and over (and over) again. My K sounds much like your V when stopping to smell the flowers could turn into a two hour conversation about the color and shape of the leaf, and the beautiful butterfly on it, and the scary looking ant. That she wants to step on. But that would be mean because ants have feelings. Or something. Those times are okay at times, but not when my 6 month old needed to eat 30 minutes ago, my 4 year old is jumping off the picnic table pretending he can fly, and mama needs to pee. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up! Ahhh, I feel much better!

Jenn P said...

best.post.ever. I saw this article in my newsfeed over and over too. And my 1st thought was, omg! I hurry my kids all day! That thought was quickly followed by...oh yea. I have 2 sets of twins. we'd be tardy to the party for everything if I didn't put a little pep in everyone's step. Oh well. My clan can talk about it with their therapist later.

www.twobytwomom.com

Sarahbaby said...

Right on Mama! I read that article and it definitely helped me appreciate the moments when we CAN slow down - but its certainly not reasonable to live at that pace 24/7! The amount of time it takes for my 5 year old to get into and buckle herself in the car seat is freakin ridiculous! Hell ya she gets a swift giddyup on a regular basis!
Kudos for saying out loud and offering balance :)

Sara said...

Trying to jump back into my bloggy world and this is one of the first things I read. You always find a way to say exactly what I'm feeling. This is so spot on - thank you!!